


Moral Dilemma and Funny Business of Having Sex with Your Schoolmate/Colleague/Friend

by bigbrigandhewada



Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 03:11:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18770014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigbrigandhewada/pseuds/bigbrigandhewada
Summary: As suggested in the title, Stew and Rich having sex.





	Moral Dilemma and Funny Business of Having Sex with Your Schoolmate/Colleague/Friend

** 1987 **

         Stewart is getting tired of have to go to Richard’s dorm every single morning. It’s a pain to try wake him up but won’t succeed until mid afternoon. He decides it’s for the best for finishing up the scripts if he moves into Richard’s dorm. Stewart really doesn’t care about Richard’s privacy at this point cause it’s too close to the performance date of the show. 

         But he is a civilized man, so he says to Richard, 

         “If you need your weekly portion of shagging which I doubt you ever had before, I will put on a wig.”

         He will regret this sentence 10 years later, but that’s a later story. Now is time for this.

 

 

** 1988 **

          “The inevitable experimental sexual period in college!!” 

          Richard reads the title on the magazine as loud as possible. He shouts in case Stewart can’t hear him 2 meters away siting on the same couch. Stewart thinks that is really it about subtlety for Richard but he doesn’t mind the proposal. It couldn’t be worse than watching Morrissey wearing a Smith shirt singing “Everyday is Like Sunday” on Top of the Pops. He could let his instinct kicks in and muses over the irony of hearing this song on a Sunday night but he decides not today.

          Stewart turns and says to Richard, “I have ulcerative colitis so I would have to top.”

          Richard chooses to continue to speak in a very loud volume as a protest, “I feel like that’s irrelevant. Even if you have a perfect industrious bowel I am still the one that is likely to be fucked.”

           “We are equal. It’s just I have a condition.”

           “Then can you suck my cock?”

           “No.”

           That’s that settled.

 

           It’s not until he’s taking off his t-shirt, Stewart realizes how easily he bypass the moral dilemma of having sex with his male schoolmate, 

            “huh, I guess I am doing it with the bloke who danced alone to the Sex Pistol’s song at the Christmas party.”

           is what he thinks to himself.

           However, 

            “Wow, if my cock could talk, it would tell Stewart he has great tits.”

           is what Richard is thinking to himself.

 

            Richard gets caught up in the idea of what if not only his cock can talk, but Stewart’s cock can talk as well. He can't contain his laughter when he thinks of Stewart’s cock is now going to talk in a muffled voice when Stewart enters him. That makes Stewart come instantly.

            Stewart expresses his despite with the rolling of his eyes when he hears Richard’s explanation, as if he’s not the one who just come within five seconds.

 

 

** 1989 **

          They didn' t go to the graduation ceremony of course. Not because they are too cool for that,  but because they really need to sort out this shit of signing with Avalon. They are too young so of course the world will take advantage over their intellectual properties. But as a gateway to showbiz,  Avalon is as good as any other agencies. They officially became colleagues before they officially graduated. “Stew and Rich” is too adorable of a name for the edgy comedy they do. Stewart Lee insists that he has the control over alphabetical order so the double act's name settles on “Lee and Herring”.

 

 

** 1992 **

         “Stewart Graham Lee!”, Richard shouts at him when he is busying shoegazing.

         “What, Richard, Keith, Herring.” He doesn’t get the laugh he thinks he is going to get.

         They stayed awake the past two days finishing up the scripts. They’ve been in the studio for the whole day today. Studio rush is close to two hours long now. They only need a half hour show. 

         Stewart watches Pete trying to keep the audience entertained but slowly losing them. The floor manager tells him and Rich to not move so they can sort out the position of the cameras. It’s already a torture for the audience to have to watch all these chaos rather than Cliff Richard. But the worst has to be nobody is laughing anymore at this point because the majority of the audience are old and they are tired now.

 

         Richard already gives up on talking to the audience. Now he is facing directly at Stewart while mimicking rapper’s gestures,

         “Stew, Stew, Stew,

          looking cool,

          would you like a brew?”

 

         “Rich, Rich, Rich,

          you son of a bitch,

          I would only like a quiche.”

         They are really losing it at this point.

 

         But Stew thinks it will be really nice to have a beer and a quiche after this.

 

         They end up with 2 bottles of vodkas at the bank of the River Thames. Rich insists on bringing the book _Man of Achievement: 1975_ which they used as a prop with them. He says he is going to spread the gospel to the citizens of the River Thames. Stew thinks it really is just ferociously reading the book to two seagulls.

 

         They wakes up in the morning not back in their shared apartment, but surprisingly still at the bank of the River Thames. Stew is wearing Rich’s trousers. Rich’s trousers is wrapped around the balusters on the stairs. Both of their underwear are nowhere to be seen. But luckily for Rich, he is wearing Stew’s waistcoat as a substitute.

 

         Rich is not pretending he has two pairs of arms with the waistcoat around his legs. Stew thinks its’s a sign that shows it’s too much for both of them. His migraine ridden brain also manages to form another thought: 

         If he would ever experience public sex in his entire life, yesterday would be it.

 

 

 

** 1994 **

         Stew is happy at least one of them comedians manages to get married at the age of 26. It’s a sign that they are not going to die alone after all.  It is a beautiful ceremony and Stew’s heart is genuinely moved by the hymn “All Things Bright and Beautiful”. 

 

         “All things wise and wonderful,

          the lord god made them all.

          Each little flower that opens,

          each little bird that sings.”

 

         Rich, on the other side, is laughing his arse off with Peter two verses into the hymn. Stew is confused. Rich tells him that this hymn shows God really fucking knows what he is doing according to the song. 

         “God made everything and, wait for it, to top it all, the big finale, a bird!”

         Stew doesn’t laugh. It is indeed funny but Stew is kind of jealous he didn't spot it first because this really is his thing. You know,  his thing about nitpicking on tiny logic errors in fairytales since he was a young boy. People didn’t really cared until he moved on to the ultimate book of fairytales called Bible. He harbors a slow resentment toward his soft emotions earlier and reminds himself to ask Rich later if he can use this in one of his standup routines.

  

 

 

** 1995 **

         Stew is in France on vacation with his soon-to-be fiancee when Rich calls and says he is dating Julia Sawalha now.

 

         “What about Emma? ”

         “She's not Julia Sawalha, is she ?”

         "No she' s not.”

 

          Some silence falls over them.

         “Are you wanking now ?”

         “Yeah I am.”

         "Please don' t cry.”

 

         More silence falls over them.

         Rich tries to say something. But it comes out as a high pitched burp,  leads into a high pitched sob,  follows up with a high pitched  “shit”. Stew chuckles at the noises,then he remembers Rich's probably still wanking. He decides to just shut up and listen. In Stew's opinion,this is the longest Rich has last before he orgasmed.

 

 

 

** 1997 **

         Stew doesn’t really look that much different in the skirt suit and the make up. But once they put the wig on him, everyone’s face is a sight to witness.

         Everything was fine when they shoot the opening sequence for _This Morning with Richard not Judy_. But when it comes to the publicity shoot, Stew refuses to put on the make up again . H e waves his hand with his last tiny piece of patience and says,

         “We are running out of time so let's just get this done with. ”

         Rich says it's because Peter takes a look at the opening sequence and says to Stew that  “he's putting Judy Finnigan to shame.”

 

    Stew has no shame. He is not embarrassed. But he does realized if it's not funny,  crossdressing is not his thing. And he really doesn't care if Rich find it amusing,  sexy,  weird or any of those things combined.

 

         They did have sex though. Because Rich finds it hilarious,  then weird,  then smoking hot. The same way as Stew won’t remember he was engaged 13 years later, he doesn't managed to remember he is engaged now.

 

 

  

** 1998 **

          Like probably any other British comedy duos,  whatever they did in the shows was way gayer than gay sex. But Stew warns Rich to “ better watch his mouth” on the way to the interview. 

          “Cause gay sex  is not funny.”

          Rich is embarrassed. Maybe he's not as talented at doing stand up as Stew or as motivated to make a funny show happen as Stew,  but he thought at least the sexes they had were funny. Could made some funny anecdotes. If not now, then one day.

 

           10 days later,  Stew hits Rich in the torso. Rich punches Stew's clavicle. Apparently the pair of 30-year-old grown ups haven't been introduced to proper school fight yet. The reason of this out lash wasn't what Rich says in the interview, it  wasn't that Stew doesn't know how to use a computer. 

 

           Rich says in a later interview, 

           “Well, we have only fought once in the ten years we've been working together. That's normal. If we didn't fight,  the headline would been fat BBC comedian murdered another fat BBC comedian.”

           But Stew is elsewhere,  thinking he doesn't want the eggs in the basket. He wants to grow the eggs out of dirt with his own hands,  even though he's not sure what that means at the moment.

 

 

 

** 2006 **

         Stew calls up to ask if he can use some of the materials they used to do in college in his new show. Rich says sure but doesn't want to chat more about work stuffs. Cause people are saying their “things” are similar and he can't deal with that now. Stew remembers he saw in a recent interview where Richard said he had put all his eggs in the same basket when they were doing the double act and he didn’t think they would break up. 

         Then Stew vaguely recalls he said to the press towards the end of their double act that he didn’t want to see Rich at the pub after the work because they had run out of things to say to each other. 

         He asks if Rich would like to go out for a drink later today. He doesn’t ask about Peter’s life in Hollywood, Al Murry’s stolen drum kit or this girl Rich fancies, but Rich tells him anyways.

 

 

  

** 2010 **

         Rich likes working hard now. It’s an enjoyable feeling to be on that run. He even manages to find energy to put together a Fist of Fun DVD project. Now they are sitting in the back garden in Rich’s house recording commentaries for the DVD. And Rich’s laughing at Dara O Briain’s angry comments on Plagiarism’s Corner on Stew’s website.

         “Dara was saying to me, ‘You can’t do this. It’s outrageous. You don’t own these things.’ I am not saying these other comics copied me. I am just pointing out the similarities between their works and mine and pointing out the fact that my date is earlier. But I am not saying we can’t reach the same conclusion individually, you know.”

         “No, I know. I will say it for you,  they did copied your stuffs.”

         “But Dara has a point. Dave Chappelle probably doesn' t even know who I am and I am saying he copied my style.”

         "You can' t blame the man for doesn’t want to affiliate with any of us when the only British tv show he had ever appeared on is _the Word_.”

         “When was that? ”

         "Not sure. B ut the lumpy fat version of you were hosting.”

         “Haha,  thank you. That was informative. It wasn't Terry Christian though, is it? I thought it was Lamarr hosting?”

         “Yeah. Right!  God, I remembered. Vic and Bob were explaining to him how to sow up a cow's sack!”

         “You really can' t blame the man for not wanting to be affiliate with us then.”

 

         Stew settles into a comfortable silent watching session when Rich is trying to make funny comments for the DVD. Besides during a really bad sketch, the only time Stew raises his voice is when he sees an engagement ring around his 26-year-old finger. Rich is surprised he doesn’t remember the girl’s name. Stew mumbles something and thinks to himself this is probably not the best time to ask whether he is invited to Rich’s wedding or not next month.

 

         When they start to leafing through Rich’s old notebook, they find a drawing of a triangle with three breasts and a penis, a monkey on a wheelchair made out of bananas, two cocks fighting and a pineapple with an unhappy face.

         “Is that suppose to be me?”

         “Yes, I am as infatuated with you as any other high school girl in the 90s and I have a secret clip book full of your pictures.”

         Rich moves closer towards Stew and points at the fighting roosters. 

         “See that? That’s how I imagined us would end up back in the days.” 

         Rich then starts to bwak really loudly.

         Stew backs up a bit but smiles .  Rich ’ s instinct kicks in and starts his annoying voices,

         “A h! Ah! You like that! Stew has fall in love ～ ” 

         Stew starts to cackle in his hyena-liking way, showing the slit between his left incisor tooth and his left canine tooth.

 

 

 

** 2012 **

         Rich is doing the show every Tuesday at Leicester Square Theater which is the same venue as Stew.

         "I won' t play on Tuesdays for the new show, then.” Stew says immediately without any thinking.

         “What are you doing on Tuesdays then,  taking out the trash?”

         Stew has to pick up the kids on Mondays and Wednesdays,  sometimes Thursdays. Saturdays are for post Friday shows panic attack and stressed buying groceries. His son is big enough to grasp the concept of sarcasm so guitar playing has been moved to Monday mornings.

         “I hate to break this to you,  Rich. You only take out the trash in the morning. You don‘t do it for the whole day. I am afraid your town council had lied to you.”

         "So you are coming then ?”

         “I would rather shout at dog walkers in front of my bins on Tuesdays.”

 

         So Stew is doing his show on Tuesdays now, which means he gets to chat for a small while with Rich before the show. He finds it soothing to tell Rich Friday nights’ audience’s reaction and to listen Rich talks about this new podcast thing he is starting. He says to Rich he’s going to tour his show around the country now.

 

         Stew notices the slight mood shift in the crowd whenever he gets to line  “In 1989, Richard Herring and I wrote a list of things we would never write in our comedies.” Suddenly he feels like he is giving a lecture on bizarre historical events,  like King Wenceslaus III of Bohemia getting assassinated on the toilet,  like Ronald Reagan's album against socialized medicine, like Noel Gallagher meeting David Cameron. He watches the slow realization dawns on his pupils’ faces and the  “oh that did happened” sinks in amongst them. He really really likes that. So he pauses a bit longer every time after he drops this reminder bombshell that he used to work with Richard Herring. It amuses him to no end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading.  
> English is not my first language. I say this because I like people to compliment my English skills.  
> Open to grammatical suggestion always.
> 
> And I forgot about this:  
>  <https://bigbandithewada.tumblr.com/post/180837932740/ok-something>  
> 


End file.
